The meeting that changed our lives

Probably some of the best memories we had of each other, were at night when the electricity had been cut off. We opened every single curtain to let the light come in for as long as the sun would allow, come dusk.

What children were upstairs would come downstairs, and my youngest would leave her bedroom and we'd all gather in the living room to be together and share the dark. One lit candle shne on all our faces while we shared our feelings and told stories from our day.

No television or stereo, computer to draw us away from the heart center of our home, and each other. I was so hurt I didn't have electricity for my children or heat. In those days, we all slept in the same bed to keep warm, all four of us.

We really lived in a lovely four bedroom plus home, in a lovely and safe neighborhood and no one knew that we had been abandoned by their father and my husband, for his love of alcohol. He'd be gone nights, days, weekks, and in the end months at a time.

But we'd stay by each other's sides on long dark nights, and sometimes we'd try to call daddy's cell phone, but he never answered, and we'd cry.

Time grew on my children grew older, leaving to drive cars, and go to proms and he never changed, he'd be gone not there for any of his children's cherished milestones. He'd be stuck in that same pattern over and over again like some broken record playing, while my children matured and I grew lonely.

After months of idle promises and years of broken dreams, we wondered if we were the only one's with this secret.

One day a family member expressed his concern for our situtation. The only family member that ever offered an answer or resolution. I was shocked and taken aback. His former wife was an alcoholic and he began going to Al-Anon meetings. Al-Anon meetings are for families, spouses and significant others, who lived with an alcoholic or drug addicted family member in their life.

I couldn't imagine what Al-Anon could do for us. Why go to Al-Anon? Surely this wasn't our problem. I kept his suggestion always in my mind.

While my husband grew worse, he'd only come home in time spend the night and wake up to get his paycheck the following day, and then stay out away from his wife and children until his money was all gone. Then, he'd answer our calls. Then he'd want to come back home.

One day, when the weeks started to turn into one month, my two daughters and I, finally made the decision that we would try and go to our first Al-Anon meeting. My son by then grown up, had moved out on his own. I was the biggest decision of our lives, and one that would change the course of our lives, and we had no idea of it.

The three of us talked off and on through out the day, should we go or shouldn't we. If we don't go we'll never know if this is what is wrong with us, and him. If we don't go we may never know if there is a cure or if we can be fixed.

We'll go, no matter what we'll go. If it's that bad we don't have to go back to another meeting. It it's that bad at least we tried it and know we need to find another way. If we go at least we'll have answers.

We ate dinner nervously, No one wanted to talk about it while we were eating, trying to savor the calm for now.

We cleaned up the dishes and the kitchen. I announced what time the meeting was at and what time we needed to leave to get there in time to be able to just slide in and take our seats. Hopefully leaving us no time to talk to anyone. To strangers that might ask painful questions or to be recognized by people from our neighborhood.

While my daughters ran off to their rooms for last minute play and to chat with friends, I retreated to my bedroom. I tried to call my husband's cell phone one more time, hoping this would be the time. He would come home and swear his undying devotion to us and we'd be saved from going to the meeting.

I called again, no ansewer. I hung up. The more I thought about our children and our life and everything that was to save. I called several more times, this is crazy. What am I thinking, I've been through this for years and years before, he won't stop. He won't care. I have to do what's best for my kids, one child had already grown up and out of the house. And I must do it for my sanity.

Suddenly my bedroom door opened. For one split second thought it would be him, but it was my oldest, now a teenager, daughter. She is so beautiful, and so hurt, "Mom do we really have to go, there's still time to back out. And the more I think about it the more i don't want to go."

"I know, I feel the same, I agree."

"We both don't wanna." My youngest, pretty little girl in her strawberry curls, was now standing in the doorway. She was looking down the hall from time to time away from us, like playing would be more fun. She definetly had better things to do.

I walked toward them with my arms open to give them both a "group hug" at the same time. As I got closer I said, "But we really must go, we really must start getting answers somewhere. We must start doing the work."

With that they shot off angrily down the hall and up the stairs of our home to their bedrooms. "Why, why it's not worth it. I dont want to. I don't care."

Fifteen more minutes had passed, and we all met in the living room at the designated time and quietly, as if we were going to a funeral. They rode while I drived. I swear it was the quietest ride that we, three females had ever taken.

I was glad they got dressed and ready, no argument, no temper tantrums. What big girls my hurt little girls were being.

The big parking lot was packed as we hunted a parking space my oldest asked,"Good, can we go then?"

"No, we are here, let's give it a try."

We walked into the building, not looking side to side, not making eye contact with anyone. the hostess of the building was very nice and she pointed the way and escrted us to the meeting room. Things were just coming to order, the room was crowded, people were sitting in a kind of half circle, with other sitting at tables on the outside facing toward the front of the room. We were scared, we hardly looked up as we took our seats at a table, alone.

The meeting started off with a brief going over of the minutes of last weeks meeting and a collecting of donations, a basket was passed around. Then they divided us up and the three of us followed some of the others there into another meeting room.

Everyone was very nice to us as they explained each time what would happen in the next few minutes of each part of the meetng. We were like scared deer in the headlights and we looked like it.

We went around the circle and wanted us to tell, what was our name, who was the addiced family member to us and what we hoped to get from coming to the meetings and a little bit about our situation, what was going on in our home.

Each person, starting with the first one, and ending with the very last one person, was at the meeting for the very same reason that we were. They each described the exact, same situation going on in their homes. Every single one of them, had a family member that would get their paycheck and leave home for days and weeks, and they worried about them very much, and they wondered where they were and how they were getting along, and more than anything they wanted to know why this one person that they loved so much, did it to them and themselves.

And their utilities would get cut off and their rent was due, and the addicted person did not care, they left any way or inspite of it or so it seemed.

I was next, "My name is, and this is our very first meeting and these are my two daughters. Our family member we are here about is my husband and their dad, and we hope to get some semblence of normalcy back in our life again. We want to know what exactly is wrong and what is happening and why it's happening." And I didn't go into detail, but I gave them the quick gist, of what was going on in our family.

The leader of our group only asked me one single question, were their others in our home going through it with us. I told them about my son and she strongly suggested that he too, start coming to the meetings, be cause it is imperative that everyone one of us with a drug or alcohol addicted person in our lives,

• be given coping lessons to keep us sane,
• that is is not your fault,
• detatchment,
• to give us back our self-worth and dignity,
• to learn how to let go of the guilt they lay on us,
• and to learn how we can live with an addicted person and their manic ways.

Oh my gosh, their are others like us, with the very same secret, we are not alone. Just like in the cartoon, How the Grinch Stole Christmas, when his heart grow to the size of ten men, pluss two and the whole show changes completely. My eyes were opened, some of the weight had been lifted from my shoulders. I could stand up straight again, Im sure I walked in all hunched over from the load I carried and bore all of those years through it.

That was the first thing my girls and I said to each other when we got into the car, "We are not all alone with "a secret" there are others like us too." That was and always will be the greatest turning point in all of our lives, we were not alone and there was help.

We came into the meeting like "feeling exhausted and like death," the sky was dark and cloudy, the grim reaper stood over us, we were ashamed, afraid, ready to run if anyone got to close to us, to close to our "secret." We came outof that first meeting feeling like the sun was shining brightly on us once again, God did care and we had a reason to live once again.

Of course, there was still work to do, but that was 75% of it right there, all in that one meeting, our very first Al-Anon meeting. We had a face, we had a name and we mattered. We got our life back.